I don't know about the rest of you fellas,
but I will be having sexual relations tonight.
[ chuckling ] Oh. Mm-hmm.
Both boys at a sleepover -- yes, sir!
Mm-hmm. Mm!
Give the 1-year-old a little cold medicine
and go to town, right?
Oh, yeah, I will be going to town. [ laughs ]
Look how excited you are. Mm-hmm.
Is sex that rare?
[ laughs ] On the contrary,
Melissa and I enjoy each other's company on a regular basis.
Regular? Mm-hmm.
He just about shot a roman candle out of his pants.
Yeah. Yeah, what are we talking about?
What's average? Per month?
Um, it could be anywhere from one to, I don't know, 15.
15? Mm-hmm.
Married man, kids -- 15 times a month.
Mm-hmm. You know, solos don't count.
No, no. Uh, you know what I'm talking about.
There are droughts sometimes,
so you got to take advantage of the opportunities,
especially when the kids are out of the picture.
I find I'm having more sex
when the wife is out of the picture.
[ laughs ] All right, Joe.
Wouldn't have made that joke a month ago --
I like it. You got that right. You got that right.
What, so you're on his team now?
I got to sit here and listen to you
talk about how many women you're doinking, too?
[ chuckling ] "doinking."
Look, what I -- what Dori and I do
in the privacy of my house, or her house, or my car...
Oh! ... is our business.
Yeah, dog. Please don't say, "yeah, dog."
See, that sounds to me like some misdirected sexual frustration.
No, as a matter of fact,
I bet I have more sex than you do.
(Joe) Oh, just stop.
Oh, yeah, you know, I don't want to pull rank on you,
but, I mean, come on. No. No. Listen.
I know that I got a lot of stuff in the way,
but when I don't, she's right there.
She likes me, I like her, and it's on, son.
You know? You -- you got to go hunt for a new partner,
convince her that it's a good idea, which it's not.
Plus, if she's smart,
she puts your penis through, like, a silkwood shower.
Me?
It's just, "honey, I'm home."
What if she's not in the mood tonight?
You're all psyched up.
Don't worry about that.
Get naked, put on a little music.
That does it -- her seeing you naked with music?
Yeah!
Boy, that better be some really good music.
It is!
[ laughter ]
♪ Men of a Certain Age 1x09 ♪ How to Be an All-Star ♪ when I grow up to be a man ♪
Original Air Date on February 15, 2010 ♪ will I dig the same things that turn me on as a kid? ♪
♪ will I look back and say ♪
♪ that I wish I hadn't done what I did? ♪
♪ will I joke around? ♪
♪ and still dig those sounds ♪ ♪ will I still joke around ♪
♪ and still dig those sounds ♪ ♪ when I grow up to be a man? ♪
-- Sync, corrected by elderman -- -- for www.addic7ed.Com --
Good. That's it.
And again.
Pop it up.
That's it. Bend your knees. Good.
Dude, just let her get in the water.
Best way to learn is just do it.
She needs the basics, bro.
Do you want her to get hurt?
What a hack.
You know, he taught Jessica Biel.
Oh, now I'm impressed.
You know, this is just stupid.
I should just teach you how to surf myself.
That's sweet...
but I wanted to learn this century.
Am I or am I not the guy
who's been on time for an entire month?
Hmm?
Are you really serious about this?
Because I booked the next 10 Sundays with Rocker,
and after that, it's gonna be too cold.
"Rocker."
I mean it!
So do I.
'cause you don't have to do this, okay?
Don't say it unless you mean it,
because this isn't just relationship stuff
we're talking about here.
This is surfing.
This is serious.
I am serious.
About all of it.
[ cellphone rings ]
I'm gonna ignore that.
No, I-I think you should answer that
because I -- whew -- feeling a little dizzy.
I need to sit down. [ chuckling ] okay.
(Joe) Here we go.
Oh.
I didn't know the breakfast buffet would come with the tour.
Yeah, just on Monday, so you actually lucked out.
All right, where should we start?
Uh... well, here's the, uh, kitchen.
Now, see, you could have made us a nice romantic breakfast right here.
Next time, I'll do that. Yeah.
I hope you like cornflakes out of your own hand.
[ laughs ]
All right, this is the living room/office/
place where I sit naked and cry.
[ laughs ]
Uh, you want to see the bedroom?
Uh, aren't we in it?
No. There we go. [ laughs ]
Now you're in it.
This is cool.
You're the first woman in my bedroom,
if you don't count the lady who puts the mint on my pillow.
[ Bob Dylan's "I Shall Be Released" plays ] [ Dori laughs ]
Your music might have something to do with that.
I'm gonna ignore that.
'cause I'm not above kicking your ass.
[ laughing ] Oh, yeah?
Like to see you try. [ chuckles ]
♪ they say every man must need protection ♪
[ cellphone rings ]
Oh, shit. Let me turn this off.
♪ they say every man must fall ♪
Uh-oh.
I didn't want to alarm you.
It's just, there's been a lot of this type of behavior.
And I know there's been some upheaval at home.
Yeah, no, it's even before the upheaval. Joe.
Look, it's really none of my business.
He does well on the actual math.
One of my top students.
Yeah.
Why were you in the tree?
You said that when I...
You know, get shaky,
I should just do something and just calm down.
Well, I was doing the counting and breathing thing.
I mean, it just seemed kind of private up there.
Yeah, I can see that.
Can't I just go home now?
Honey, you missed enough class for one day.
Mom... No, no. No, no.
Your mom's right. You're gonna be okay.
Come on, you're not shaky now, right?
[ sighs ]
Huh? Remember what Dr. Schneider said?
Every time that you go in and you see that it's okay,
It makes it easier for the next time.
Fine.
[ smooches ]
See you later, okay? Go on. You can do it.
[ sighs ]
Oh, Albert.
I'm gonna get my own place.
Finally.
Really? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, they come over, they're in a hotel room.
I'll just -- I'll get a place, it'll be mine,
and then -- then, when they come over,
they'll feel like it's -- it's theirs.
It will be a little more... stability.
And you can do that?
Yeah.
It's time, right?
Hey, last time I was over, the McDermotts --
They're selling their place, right?
[ chuckling ] Oh, yeah.
That's a half a block away.
Yeah. Yeah.
Let's just keep it to a mile.
Mile away? That's the limit?
All right. That's the cutoff.
I can't rake your leaves if I'm a mile away. Sorry. Oh.
[ laughs ] Okay.
It's too far -- gas money...
Check this out.
How long do you think it took him
to get that perfectly messed-up look?
Usually takes me about an hour.
What are you doing?
What do you think?
Well, Marcus is up.
Yeah, she's a real beaut, isn't she?
This baby -- talk about "go."
How'd you like to take her for a little spin?
No, look, I know this is the car I want,
and I really don't want to haggle.
Well, that's terrific,
because here at Thoreau Chevrolet,
we have a "no haggling" policy.
Now, these start at $24,000, and that's without any trim.
I've actually seen them online for $22,500.
Um, I don't think that would be this particular model.
Well, look, man, all I know is
I've seen this car online for $22,500.
If you want, I can go down to Scarpulla Chevrolet.
They're just down the road.
Yes, they are.
Will you excuse me for a minute?
Okay.
Who wants to be the internet guy?
Hi. I'm Lawrence,
the internet specialist here at Thoreau.
What happened to the other guy?
Well, he told me you were a little confused
about some of the stuff you found online.
No, look, I've just seen the car online for $22,500.
That's it.
[ sighs ] Wish those guys wouldn't do that.
Do what?
Well, it's not the real price. What do you mean?
Some of these internet prices, they're kind of like a -- like a shell price.
No mats, no mirrors... No mirrors?
I call it the misinformation superhighway. [ chuckles ]
Let me pull it up, man.
See? $22,500.
So it is.
Yeah.
Cool phone.
Do you have a lot of, uh, apps...
Hey. ...On the phone?
Hey, that's my sale.
(Owen) What sale?
Trust-fund boy's just grinding him.
I'm talking about ethics and shit.
Rules. All right, I am the manager-in-training here.
Oh, please.
When this guy came in,
the only thing you were managing was Alexis.
[ chuckling ] Yeah, I was.
You -- you know what, Owen?
I know you're old, and your dick is dead,
but some of us, we still enjoy that kind of thing. [ sighs ]
These fools bogarted my up, and then they f'ed it up.
Well, go get it done, son.
You know I will. Yeah.
All right, I'm gonna tighten this shit right up.
Right after I sell this kid the car of his dreams.
Hey. What's up, my man? Who's this guy?
He's my internet supervisor.
Hey, Lawrence, I'm gonna take this from here.
Thanks.
Hey, so what are you looking for? Torque, power?
I mean, either way, with this car,
you're getting more ass than a bus seat, right?
He had the price on like three different sites.
Yeah. Technology changed everything.
These young dudes own us now.
It's true. They know what we know.
The golden age is over.
I'll tell you what. I'm getting sick of this shit.
We got to get into something that's recession-proof.
How about formal wear?
[ scoffs ]
I was thinking caskets.
[ mutters ]
Sir, I say let the little punk go to Scarpulla.
All right, let them take it in the backdoor.
Well, here I was, looking forward
to watching him drive away in the car of his dreams.
[ chuckles ] [ chuckles ]
This is bullshit.
I'd like to congratulate you. What for?
You've got my guys on the run, son.
Scared!
So if you're gonna get a deal, you're gonna get it from me.
Okay, look, man, I've already said this like a million times. All right?
I'll pay $22,500 for that car.
Young man that knows what he wants -- I like that.
Kind of reminds me of myself.
A car salesman?
[ chuckles ]
So I guess you don know who I am.
Are you a Lakers fan?
Not really, no. Okay.
Owen Thoreau.
Well, look it up on your little --
your little thingy there.
O-w-e-n... [ sighs ]
T-h-o--
Looks like, uh, '72 wasn't your best year.
Was it?
They don't give stats for heart, son.
And I have a championship ring.
Yeah, but, I mean, they give those things to bench players.
Right?
[ laughter ]
They do, son.
You're right.
So what do you say we get back to the sale, huh?
Fine. I'm not the one wasting time...
All-star.
Your father ever smack you?
Huh?
Well, what you do all day when you were growing up?
Did you ever leave the house?
Or did you stay inside all day donkey konging?
Okay, man, just take it easy.
"take it --" what do you think I am, some kind of --
Some kind of bon vivant?
I'll take it easy when I'm dead,
you mouthy little pantywaist!
Dad!
It says here you're on medication for your BPH, is that right?
Enlarged prostate. Oh.
Damn stuff keeps me up at night, doc.
So you haven't been taking it.
All right, well, that would explain the overflow.
I run a business, son. And I want to be awake for that.
Mr. Thoreau, you need to take better care of yourself.
If left untreated, BPH can cause severe urinary obstruction.
It could even lead to kidney failure
and dialysis.
Dear God.
I don't want to scare you.
I just want to stress how serious this is.
Well, shoot, sounds like you need to take your pills.
Yes, that, and maybe lighten up your load a little.
Being active -- I encourage that,
but the stress of running a business every day.
I've told him a million times
he needs to slow down, take his medication,
cut down on his days.
[ scoffs ] He just won't listen.
Because I'm sick of you yapping in my damn ear all the time!
Why don't I get us some sodas?
[ door opens ]
Woman on P.A.: Dr. Morris, dial...
[ Melissa sighs ]
They're out of ginger ale.
This will upset him even more than the doctor.
If I ever get like that, you're allowed to divorce me.
Owen. [ sighs ]
Sharon, don't let that man get your goat.
He will come around.
Owen, please knock some sense into him.
Me?
You bring a baseball bat?
Honey, I know.
But we don't have our whole lives ahead of us anymore.
And I want to spend my retirement years
traveling with him, not...
changing his pants.
Shh, shh, shh.
Come on, mama, come on. Come on.
I thought the market was down. I know.
It's just that, in your price range, it's gonna be a little tough
if you want to stay in the neighborhood.
But I think you're gonna like this one.
Wow.
Ooh, boy. [ chuckles ]
I like the light coming in.
I like it bright. The other place was like a cave.
Dad.
There's a jacuzzi tub in the master bedroom.
We should totally get this. [ chuckling ] Okay.
Hey, only one other bedroom has its own bathroom,
So, obviously... that's the one you want -- right. Got it.
Yeah.
Wow, look at this.
So you need a bid by tomorrow, huh?
Do I even have a chance?
I mean, there's blood in the water here.
(Realtor) Well, it depends.
The banks are being a lot more careful these days.
The bigger the down payment, the better chance you have.
Yeah.
5:00 tomorrow, huh? Mm-hmm.
Still have time to sell a kidney.
[ laughs ] [ chuckles ]
Aah! Oh!
[ doorbell ringing ]
Blue one.
You haven't even seen them on yet.
Yeah, I know, but the red one is a little skimpy,
and, from what I hear, this place is gonna be crawling with cute guys.
Oh, okay.
Oh, hey, I got you something!
Oh, uh, try it on before you take the tags off.
Those things cost a fortune.
[ chuckles ]
[ TV channels changing ]
[ knock on door ]
[ door opens ]
Okay, um...We got to talk.
This is not a joke. It's a serious condition.
Okay?
Look. [ sighs ]
Dad. Daddy!
[ sighs ]
You've been running that car dealership almost 40 years.
And we're grateful.
I know.
I got it.
You got... what?
[ sighs ]
You remember my last season --
'72?
I had all those knee problems.
Like a stupid ass, I kept playing.
Could have took a month off, like the trainer said,
and I'd be okay for the playoffs.
And so, you remember, come time for the finals,
I could barely move.
All the reporters kept saying,
"look at O.T., trying to play. He's got so much heart."
Yeah.
I'd have gladly traded in that stupid heart
for a couple of good knees.
[ exhales sharply ]
It's time.
Yeah.
I'm gonna take a break,
and then I'm gonna cut my days back for good.
And let's face it -- Marcus is, uh...
ready to take the lead.
Um...
Good, daddy.
That's good.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, what's the spread on that game?
(Manfro) Uh, let me check.
It's, uh, even up. Pick 'em.
Pick 'em, huh? [ exhales sharply ]
Hey, what's the most I can bet on a game?
You got a tip?
No. No.
What if I was to bet $25,000 on New York?
25k?!
Yeah, if I was to do that, if I win,
could I get that tomorrow?
If you lose, can I get it tomorrow?
Don't -- don't worry. I'm -- I'm good for it.
I mean, I'd be good for it...
If I did it.
Geez, Joe, you sure?
I don't want to lose you to Kessell Street.
[ chuckles ] yeah.
Kessell Street -- no, no, no, don't worry.
Yeah, I'm telling you,
I lost some of my best customers to those damn 12-steps.
They got a lady down there, Colleen,
with a crazy mop of red hair --
she looks like bozo the addict.
Tried to pay me with a couch once.
Yeah. No, I'm okay.
So, um, so, can I do it?
[ sighs ] All right, Joe. Let's spell this out.
You want 25 large
on New York tonight
to win the game straight up?
Yeah.
That's right.
Manfro?
Yeah, I'm here.
I was just thinking.
be sure about something like this, Joe.
Yeah, yeah, no.
I-I'm sure.
All right, you nut job. You got it.
[ door opens ]
So...
of course, Albert wanted the bedroom that I picked.
(Albert) I didn't even know we were choosing.
Yeah, okay, guys. We'll -- we'll figure it all out.
We're meeting Jenna at nine.
My first movie premiere.
I'm so excited.
[ indistinct conversations ] Yeah... 20 bucks for parking.
Unbelievable.
Thank you.
Look! Her name's on here!
"Spring Break For Dads 2."
What's the matter? You didn't see the first one?
I think you'll still follow.
[ chuckling ] no, no, it's just...
look, I-I know them.
We were in an acting program together.
Really? That's so cool! I bet they're here.
[ chuckles weakly ] That'll be a fun reunion.
No, it's cool.
It's just that after we completed the program,
Bobby Nyland and I were in a film together --
straight to video --
But, you know, I was the lead.
And, you know, he had like... four scenes.
I get it.
So that should be you with your boxers
in the goat's mouth?
[ chuckles ]
He just -- he can't act, okay?
It's gonna be painful to sit through. That's all.
Terry... [ sighs ]
... you have nothing to be ashamed of.
No, I know.
It's just...
Can't we just go get some tacos?
Look.
Miranda got me these tickets,
and they weren't easy for her to get.
So, I'm gonna go in,
and if you want to go, I can just get a ride home.
All right.
Let's go.
No after party.
Terry!
That's the best part!
Ugh.
Come on, guys, stop them once.
(Announcer) Down 2.
Stop them!
Take it in. Take it in!
It's good!
Stop!
They keep the pressure on. Put it in.
Nero drives the lane!
Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Oh, and he is hacked!
Oh. Grabbing his wrist in pain!
He gets in Muirragui's face.
And that's gonna be a double technical on Nero. No.
He is gone. Automatic ejection.
Oh, you know, that's just a bonehead move.
You really got to keep your cool in that situation.
New York's leading scorer.
And now they're gonna be without him
for the whole second half.
Oh, man, he didn't like that.
Asshole!
[ exhales sharply ]
A goat in panties.
All right, all right.
It wasn't Chekhov.
[ chuckling ] No.
Tea bag.
Tea bag, is that you?!
Hey! Hey!
Hey, Rusty!
What up, dog?!
[ both laughing ]
Yeah, anyway, we saw the movie.
Um, her friend did the sets, and we were just... Hi, I'm Annie.
Hi. Rusty.
Seriously, man,
I thought you must have moved back east or something.
No, no, still here. Have you seen Bobby yet? You'll dump a lump.
No, actually, we got to get going.
We have time. Yeah.
Come on, man. Just say hi. Come on!
Come on, come on, come on.
Go with it, tea bag.
Then Ruby tried to sell her dolls on ebay.
But I wasn't even close to rock bottom, you know?
That's the same night that I, uh, came to my first meeting,
and [chuckles]
I-I was a cocky little squirt back then.
I-I thought I was bigger than it.
I mean, I can get in my car
and drive all the way out to Jade Palace,
sit myself down at the crap table,
load up on coffee and candy.
I can sit there for 48 hours.
And get right back in my car, drive right into work,
and I really thought I was the shit.
Then I was down to my last client.
Thank God for my good friend Colleen.
She really picked me up
and dragged me to my first meeting,
and -- what was it -- it's been three years now?
I just want to say, "thank you, Colleen."
Things are just so much better.
I mean, so much better.
(Rusty) Hey, guys, come this way.
[ up-tempo dance music plays ]
He's got to finish up with "movieextra."
So...
We loved the movie.
You were hilarious when you rode the goat.
Oh. Do you know -- I improved that whole thing!
[ both laugh ]
Hey, what about you, "T"?
Are you still acting?
Oh, kind of going in a new direction.
Writing some stuff and, uh, teaching surfing.
Oh. That -- that's going really well.
Mm. Hmm.
Oh, here, come on, come on.
Hey, dude.
Bobby.
[ laughing ] Check it out.
Tea bag?
Tea bag!
How you doing, man?
Uh, yeah,
I mostly go by "Terry" these days.
I used to drink a lot of tea.
I don't thk she believes me.
[ laughs ]
This is Annie. Bobby.
Hi. Nice to meet you.
Come in. Sit down! Sit down!
(Bobby) So, what have you been up to? Did you catch the movie?
Yeah. Yeah. Good.
Yeah, well, you know, we have a good time.
[ laughter ]
(Rusty) Yeah!
(Terry) That's great.
So, how do you all know each other, again?
Actors studio. '80...Um...
Whoa. '80... Let's not talk about that!
[ laughter ]
You know what, tea bag was by far the best actor
in the program -- by far.
You're still acting, I hope, right?
Uh, well, he's actually done a lot of national spots,
like Burger King and Travelocity.
Maybe there's something for him in "Tijuana 7."
It's this thing that we start shooting next week.
It's sick.
Yeah?
Yeah, ma-- yeah, maybe.
Oh, yeah, what about the boat-heist scene?
No, no. No, no, no. He could play the boat owner.
Dude. What?
The guy's got no lines. Yeah, but --
Tea bag's better than that. Oh, yeah. Okay.
He's a terrific actor.
I want lines -- I want lines for him.
Guys, really, I'm good, guys. Thanks.
All right, why don't we do this? Why don't we do this?
Give Dex your info, and then, you know,
maybe -- maybe we'll give you a shout-out.
All right?
[ chuckling ] All right.
What's your cell, man?
Yeah, I don't have one. [ chuckles ]
No cellphone.
[ laughter ]
Dude, dude, it's not 1980-[grunts]
Same old tea bag.
Am I doing any more interviews, or can we start drinking?
(Rusty) Drinking! Start drinking, man.
All right, where's my drink?
Here's his landline.
Okay.
My landline is... [ laughter ]
I know, but it's still kind of humiliating.
What? He might give you a part in a movie.
[ sighs ] He was on the spot.
Did you see his face when Rusty suggested it?
Yeah, you're right. I'm sure he was just lying.
Well, he was.
And even if he wasn't,
why would I want to do some bullshit part
that he gives me out of pity?
You know, of all the ways I hear
of getting jobs in Hollywood,
pity is actually one of the best.
I don't want to be a part
of his little entourage of suck-ups
in exchange for a little screen time.
See, you're too new to all this. You don't get it.
Stupid business -- it's all suck-ups
And cousins of uncles of somebody who knows somebody.
You know, I-I'm not that guy.
I-I'm not a charity case.
Geez, okay.
Bobby's a jerk, then.
[ scoffs ]
And now I'm sorry I slept with him.
And there I was on easter Sunday,
parked in front of a slot machine.
My grandkids' Easter baskets
sitting in the backseat of my car, melting.
I think I went to three Walmarts
before I found more chocolate rabbits.
(Announcer) And time's running out for New York,
who have managed to stay in it,
despite being severely undermanned.
[ crowd shouting ]
[ knock on window ] Hey, day at a time.
Just keep coming.
Yeah.
Ball inbounded.
And it's tipped away!
Stolen by New York!
Flannigan's got an open look...
It's good!
Yeah! Oh, yeah!
New York wins it by 1! Whoo!
Yeah! [ horn honking ]
Yeah! Yeah!
Whoo!
All right now everybody let's wake it up.
Cause we are goona make it happen today baby.
[ cheers and applause ]
Hope everybody's as pumped as I am in here.
Okay, two weeks under new management,
and already, sales are up 5%.
All right?
But I can't take all the credit for myself.
Well, okay, I can.
[ chuckles ] But seriously...
shouts out to my man Randy for saving our asses
with that floor-mat mess -- good work.
All right? Doug.
That is how you go on the offense
with those '09 Impalas.
That's how you get down. All right?
And let's not forget Junior.
All right? He's been keeping his head in the game
during this difficult transition.
And that is what I'm trying to say here.
Everybody is playing an important part in our success.
Everybody on this team counts.
All right, whether you're the quarterback...
or the water boy.
Now let's go sell some cars.
[ applause ]
[ telephone rings ]
You gonna get that, tea bag?!
Not funny anymore.
Hello?
[ chuckling ] Hey.
Hey, Bobby.
No.
No, it's not a rotary phone. It's got buttons and everything.
Really? You did?
Okay.
Yeah, uh...
I get my own trailer, right?
Fresh flowers.
[ chuckles ]
And -- and I don't have a "b" game,
So don't cry if I steal the scene.
[ chuckles ] Later.
[ gasps ]
[ squealing ]
Okay, okay, okay.
He just added a few lines. It's still just one scene.
So? I can't be a proud stage girlfriend? [ chuckles ]
What -- what time is it?
I got to -- I got to clean all this up and pack,
and I got to be in Sausalito tomorrow.
Sausalito?
[ Owen sighs ]
You want to pick that up? I put my naked skin on that.
Well, I'm not superman.
It's half a pound of feathers.
Yeah, well,
I still say we could use a little more help here.
[ thud ]
Not that I'm naming names...
Terry. [ chuckles ]
No, that's a... that's a...
big movie he's in, though -- that guy Bobby Nyland's in it.
So good for him, you know?
Yeah, well, I guess there's a lot of stuff happening
for all of us, huh?
Yeah, I guess so.
So how's your dad doing?
Good.
Okay, well, better, at least.
Just, um...
taking it easy for a while.
That's good.
Yeah. [ sighs ]
Oh, man, I still can't believe they accepted my offer.
[ sighs ]
Just lucky, I guess.
Lucky?
No, come on, Joe. You earned this.
Yeah.
Anyway, thanks.
Whew.
I got to shower.
I'm getting my teeth cleaned.
Dori.
The hygienist?
We got a date.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, 'cause that's how it goes.
[ both chuckle ]
Yeah. All right, thanks.
I love what you've done to the place.
It's very, um...
... very college dorm.
Yeah?
[ laughs ] Yeah.
I got to go shopping.
Boy, this is just, uh...
I've been on, like, a hot streak
for the last couple of weeks.
Yeah? Really.
A couple weeks ago...
I don't know.
I meet you, I-I win the house.
I'm just...
[ sighs ] I'm on a roll.
You won the house. What do you mean?
I mean, you know, the bidding war they have.
Oh, right.
Yeah, you never know.
Yeah.
Hooray.
Um...
Okay, look.
At this point...
we're all about honesty.
That's what we said in the beginning, right?
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Okay. All right.
Um...
[ chuckles softly ]
What?!
Come on and spill it. Now you're freaking me out.
No, no, no, no.
All right, this place -- this was a foreclosure.
Right? So you said.
Right. So, because of that,
it's a great price,
but there's a feeding frenzy of bids.
And -- and the only way I could improve my chances
was to make a bigger down payment than I had...
in the bank at the time.
But I knew a way to get it...
Fast.
Get it fast? Yeah.
That sounds illegal.
No, no, no. I-I made a bet.
I made a big bet.
And I won.
I won this...
$25,000.
25,000 dollars?
Yeah.
Well, wait, doesn't that mean you have to bet $25,000?
Well, yeah.
Pretty much.
[ scoffs ] Whoa!
Joe, that's...
I mean, what if you'd lost?
Yeah, it's -- I mean, it's a risk.
That's a lot of money.
So... anything is a risk.
Buying a lottery ticket is [clears throat]
I never did anything like this before.
I just...
I had a friend who made a couple of bets at college.
So he knew this guy, and...
What, a bookie?
Yeah. Yeah.
I-I took a big chance. I know I did.
It's just kind of impulsive, and -- but...
it was for my kids.
And when your kids are involved, you just... do things.
Sometimes...
Anyway, that's, uh...
Say something.
Well, it is an amazing place.
Yeah.
No, it's great.
[ sighs ]
So, I guess this story has a happy ending after all, hmm?
Yep.
I think Albert's -- this is really gonna help Albert out.
I really do.
Sheesh.
[ chuckles ]
[ scoffs ]
I told Julian I needed at least 20.
Tea bag, what's up?
(Bobby) That better be Mikey with my burrito!
No! It's tea bag!
Come on in, buddy.
[ Bobby grunts ]
[ Rusty sighs ]
Hey, the man himself.
Wait.
Breakfast of champions.
Uh, yeah, you know, I'd love to.
[ chuckling ] it's just...
when I'm working, I don't, um...
Actually, I-I just wanted to go over the scene,
uh, with you.
I-I got the fax.
Thank you... for sending it.
There were just a couple things I wasn't clear on.
Um... [ chuckles ] "T," "T,"
Don't worry about it, man.
Okay, I'm not a rehearsal kind of guy.
We like to keep it loose, you know?
We'll find all the good shit when we improv.
Okay.
You're cool with that, right?
Yeah, good, I just was hoping to,
you know, run some lines.
I love this guy. He wants to run lines.
[ both chuckle ]
Yeah, all three of them.
[ chuckling ] "all three of them."
[ Rusty snickers ]
Dude, check this out.
Real or fake?
Fake. [ imitates buzzer ]
I've been there. Shut -- real.
Hi. This is Dori's voice,
because the real Dori is up to no good.
[ laughs evilly ] [ beep ]
Hey. It's Joe.
Uh, hi, not stalking you. Swear.
Just calling with some breaking news.
Uh, casa de Joe...
now has plates and bowls and... stuff.
And I got a tool crock.
I got a bamboo mixing spoon.
So, uh, you don't want to miss that.
Anyway, if you want to come over
and drink out of a glass,
Just, uh, give me a call sometime.
Okay.
[ sighs ]
Come on, guys!
What do you think?
Get in!
Get the door open. Get the door!
I can't!
Don't think I won't call the cops!
(Tilburn) [ british accent ] And cut!
[ sighs ]
I'm sweating like a pig.
Makeup!
Should we get a hooker on the boat?
We need some intensity, fellas.
Yeah? Maybe we'll get it by take 95.
Then give me something I can use.
If you don't mind me saying, um [clears throat]
I feel like it's the -- the blocking.
I mean, see,
you know, you've got me following them.
Right? It's artificial.
It feels like I should be, you know, in front of them,
you know, trying to stop them.
Right?
I mean, right now, there's no -- there's no scene,
there's no tension -- I'm just...
You want to change the lines, as well? No.
It's almost lunch, Tilburn.
(Man) Action!
[ grunting ]
Get out of the way!
You want to die?
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
[ grunting ]
Ohh!
Come on, get on the boat!
(Rusty) Get on the boat!
(Dex) Okay!
Don't think I won't call the cops.
(Tilburn) And... cut!
(Bobby) Yeah!
Whoo! Whoo!
[ coughing ]
Man, I thought I was seriously
gonna punch you in the face, tea bag!
He did kick me in the nuts.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Good. It looked great, man!
That's what I'm talking about.
I stand corrected.
Excellent. That was beautiful.
Haven't done a scene like that in 10 years. We're breaking for lunch!
[ laughter ]
I mean, did you see the look on Tilburn's face?
He was like, "great.
Now I got a day player directing."
[ british accent ] buddy-o, it's not how we do it in the Queen's England.
That's the problem with these guys --
the bigger the paycheck, the more they just phone it in.
Not anymore, 'cause tea bag don't play that shit!
Okay, hey, give me the script.
Give me the script. Come on, come on, come on!
Scene, uh, 45.
You gotta work you're magic, "T",
cause this scene is lame.
I say something like, "I feel like a human condom."
[ knock on door ] What? (Julian) Terry.
You got a couple calls on the main production line.
Dawn in 3B called?
Her sink is backed up.
What are you?
Are you a slumlord, "T"?
[ laughter ]
Is that code for something?
[ laughter ]
Excuse me. Uh, Dex, can I... borrow your phone?
Yeah.
Hurry back, tea bag. Hurry back.
So, were you brilliant?
To tell you the truth...
practically directed the scene.
I mean, for being such big shots,
these guys don't even understand the basics of blocking.
Really? That director did all the "Batgirl" movies.
I know.
Look, Bobby was really psyched.
He -- he wants me to stay up here for a while.
Kind of as a supervising producer/acting coach.
He doesn't trust the director.
I don't blame him, frankly, after what I saw today.
Oh.
So, how long will you be gone, then?
I'm not sure. He just said a few days.
But, like, Friday, Saturday, Sunday?
A few days. I-I-I don't know.
Okay.
I guess...
I'll just... see you when I see you, then.
Hey, listen. Can you find out what that woman, Dawn, wants in 3B?
She left me some message about her sink.
Sure, Ter. Whatever you need.
[ beep ]
Hey, douche, we're back in 10, and Bobby needs you.
♪ they say every man must need protection ♪
♪ they say every man must fall ♪
How you doing, sir? I'm Patrick.
Looking at any particular car today?
I'm not here for a car.
I'm here for a job.
♪ someplace so high above the wall ♪
Go with the french part.
Yeah, I like to recite...
♪ I see my light come shinin' ♪
I love this job.
[ chuckling ] I love this job.
♪ from the west down to the east ♪
Good job, Annie!
♪ any day now ♪
♪ I shall be released ♪
...Over a text? Like, completely unacceptable.
I mean, if you're gonna cancel with me,
do it over at least a video chat.
Have some class.
(Albert) Sorry, dad, but your nose is bigger than that.
More than that? [ chuckles ]
How you do that?
Really? That big?
Aw, come on.
We got to add some lines, too.
Hey, you just watch it.
Easy.
[ mumbling ]
Waiting for a call?
Not really.
Mm.
Think a friend of mine is mad at me.
That's all.
Why, what'd you do?
Nothing.
Nothing, really.
People are weird, right? [ chuckles ]
Yeah, yeah, people are weird. That's right.
♪ is a man who swears he's not to blame ♪
♪ all day long, I hear him cry so loud ♪
What?
Nothing.
Just waiting to take you on.
Let's go. [ chuckles ]
What's your game?
Tennis. Tennis?!
Okay, you really want to get owned? Oh, yeah.
I used to be a... very good bad tennis player.
[ both laugh ]
Ah, you were my guy.
You've been playing this game.
I hate this guy. My guy sucks.
Easy! Oh!
Top spin!
You hit it back?
Yeah. Oh, no.
Oh, you made adjustments.
♪ any day now ♪
Why don't you wait till I'm ready, though? ♪ I shall be released ♪
-- Sync, corrected by elderman -- -- for www.addic7ed.Com --